Six Degrees of Barack & Michelle Obama

November 11, 2008

Sometimes me really nuh know wha’ wrong wid some o’ we. I’ look like seh no new news n’e’h deh fi report, an’ like ‘ow we love fa’as i’nna people bizness an’ love i’x up weself , it n’ah go tek long fi smaddy come chat bout ‘ow dem did know Obama, an’ what not.

But, me did really ‘affi buss out inna w’an piece a big laugh when mi deh read di Gleaner a couple days back. Apparently, Kay Osborne could not wait to tell di ‘ole a Jumeyka ’bout har 1 degree of separation from the Obamas. ‘ear ‘ar nuh:

“We liked each other, always hugged and talked when we met. My family and I attended informal get-together at the Obamas, spent time just hanging out, talking, eating, arguing, laughing, just being real.”

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but she’s not some part of the hallowed circle that she’s letting on here. That was their relationship with lots of people; there were decent people after all who made everyone feel welcome. The people who waited on them at their favourite restaurant and worked on the campaign could also share this exact account.

As fi di repeated comments bout “being real”: I guess all of us are supposed to know what that means? It is yet another of those annoying faddish phrases that are steadily creeping into [some] Jamaicans’ vocabulary, thanks to our uncanny ability to latch on to whatever come from America (and from black queer culture, thank you!) in order to raise the perceptions of our social status a notch. I’m so not impressed.

But just in case we are wondering just how well she knew the Obamas, Miss Kay had to take us all the way into the kitchen and into a private moment between the Obamas:

“I got the sense that they loved each other, there was a great deal of affection and respect in their interactions. It was clear that he adored her and that he was her man. He touched her with great gentleness.[…] I recall once when I and a couple of other women were chatting with a very pregnant Michelle at a small gathering at their kitchen. Barack walked up behind Michelle and put his arm around her waist and stroked her belly. “Michelle looked up at him, their eyes locked, they kissed briefly and Michelle continued the conversation. I recall thinking at the time that this man was absolutely in love with this woman and this was totally cool.”

Now, if this doesn’t sound like white house porno fiction, I don’t what does. I mean, why didn’t she just recount how often Barack feel up Michelle? And exactly when Michelle get ‘ar period? And how many times a week dem have sex? And in what positions? She might as well have, being so eager to share and extrapolate from what she don’t really know!

As far as mi concern, yuh si people like Kay Osborne so? Don’ invite dem ki’n a smaddy a yuh ya’ad an’ inna yuh private bizness. Fa’r di minute yuh tun yuh back an’ achieve sinting, dem ready fi tell di ‘ole a yuh bizness so dem cyan raise fi dem status an’ gwa’n like seh dem more important now cau dem know bigshot smaddy. Come in like dem man whe’ n’eh mi’n dem pikney but ready fi tun daddy as soon as di pickney dem tun out to be smaddy.

But yuh tink Kay Osborne done deh so? No sah! ‘Ear har now nuh?

“[the] Obamas will bring back wonderful, joyous sex to the White House…I believe this to be true. My hope is that despite her age, Michelle will conceive in the White House[..],” says Osborne.

This is what the Obamas have to look forward to – those who are “more than an acquaintance and less than close friend” a labba labba bout dem sex life an’ a spread all kinds of gossip about them. It’s not enough for Kay Osborne to see and admire them, just like everyone else. No, she has to insert herself into the narrative and the public persona they’ve created in order to make herself seem more important. That is just truly declasse. I’m going to send the Gleaner article to the Obama transition team. I bet they will get a serious kick out of this drivel.

But even the picture accompanying the article – one that is now fairly familiar to anybody who’s been following the campaing – had to be brought in line with the pornospeculatory theme of Kay Osborne’s commentary. The caption of the photo reads” ‘I love you’ is what Barack Obama seems to whisper to his wife Michelle.”

Really now? Barack could also “seem” to be whispering “did you remember to call the office this morning?” or, “Just one more picture and then its lunch time, I promise” or [insert whatever fantasy you want to project onto them here]. Or, he could have exhaled with his mouth open.

The more important question here is who authorized the publication of this nonsense in the newspaper? I suppose that “if the world can’t seem to devour enough of this family” as the reporter claims, then I guess she or the Gleaner thinks we need to get in on the nyammings too? Sharks, hyenas and john crows are what come to mind.


One Response to “Six Degrees of Barack & Michelle Obama”

  1. Andrew Wang Says:

    Speaking of First Lady Michelle Obama:

    Michelle Obama is a racial-minority individual, and in her heart and mind she inevitably does not endorse hate crimes committed by George W. Bush.

    George W. Bush committed hate crimes of epic proportions and with the stench of terrorism (indicated in my blog).

    George W. Bush did in fact commit innumerable hate crimes.

    And I do solemnly swear by Almighty God that George W. Bush committed other hate crimes of epic proportions and with the stench of terrorism which I am not at liberty to mention.

    Many people know what Bush did.

    And many people will know what Bush did—even to the end of the world.

    Bush was absolute evil.

    Bush is now like a fugitive from justice.

    Bush is a psychological prisoner.

    Bush has a lot to worry about.

    Bush can technically be prosecuted for hate crimes at any time.

    In any case, Bush will go down in history in infamy.

    Submitted by Andrew Yu-Jen Wang
    B.S., Summa Cum Laude, 1996
    Messiah College, Grantham, PA
    Lower Merion High School, Ardmore, PA, 1993

    I am not sure where I had read it before, but anyway, it goes kind of like this: “If only it were possible to ban invention that bottled up memories so they never got stale and faded.” Oh wait—off the top of my head—I think the quotation came from my Lower Merion High School yearbook.

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