What flavour are you?

June 5, 2008

The Observer recently published a seemingly frivolous article exploring whether vaginal fluids betray women’s (other) eating habits.

I know what you are thinking. I am not making up these news items; they were published in the newspaper, and since I read a wide range of material, its entirely natural that this one would come to my attention.

While the kindly doctor staunchly denies having ever heard that vaginal fluids might bear traces of women’s gustatory preferences – I can practically see the look of thinly veiled disgust on her face – I wonder why the reporter never bothered to ask those of us who are pumpum connoisseurs what we think about the question.

I already know the answer to that, of course: to do so is to validate a certain kind of body knowledge that does exist in Jamaica and is not to be found in medical books or among the so-called authorities on all things related to our bodies. Such knowledge only comes through the kind of intimate encounters that some of us actually find pleasurable and educational, while still being curious about how it all works. Too bad the article didn’t take the opportunity to encourage such curiosity.

The kindly doctor doesn’t seem to think this is a useful topic, and knows what to do about men’s smell issues – why am I not surprised? – but doesn’t offer a prescription for what to do if punaany juice taste more like vinegar than honey. I suspect that’s caused by douching one too many times, by the way. My recommendation: stop douching and using all dem chemicals (its bad for you and your pumpum; besides real pumpums don’t smell like ‘spring bouquet’ or ‘rain’) and go to the doctor just to make sure all is well. Yes, every woman (and person) has a unique smell and taste. Women’s genitals do not have any strong odours except when cloistered and marinated in sweat for hours or is suffering from some ailment. You would smell funky too if you lock up in the dark in polyester and spandex inna di hot sun! However, whatever our penchant for exaggeration, claims about similarities with essence of saltfish, mackerel and herring really doesn’t come close to describing what most women’s genitals taste and smell like, even under such stressful conditions. If we were less prone to anxiety, we would recognize those claims – made by women and men – that women’s genitals are nasty, disgusting and polluting as stupid and steeped in woman-hating (yep, that’s what I said..). And of course, such attitudes will only continue to spread if nobody, including women themselves, puts up a decent defense of their pumpum.

By now, we know that intimate knowledge of the kind that we seek and desire is not readily forthcoming in this sexophobic society. So, Jamaican women will have work a lot harder to know their bodies, including finding out the normal taste and smell of their own cocobread, and coming up with ways to sweeten the deal if their partners aren’t too enthusiastic about going into new sexual territory.

There are really only two ways for a woman to figure out what she tastes and smells like: the direct (your hand to your mouth) or the indirect (your mouth to your partner’s after s/he takes a dip) methods work equally well. I recommend that women do this before and after the menstrual period and when they are relaxed so they can figure out whether hormonal changes have any effect. Of course, you can always ask an opinion of whoever you give permission to explore your porkie, but I really think women should be the experts on their own bodies. I received that bit of advice in 2nd form from the Libresse lady, and I have never forgotten it.

Some remedies women and their partners might consider – look, there’s often a lot riding on getting this part of the performance down – include flavored creams and jellies designed for sex play, food items that are mushy and spreadable including fruits, ice cream, jams, chocolate (just don’t shove them in too far), and dental dams (barriers between the tongue and the porkie made of latex, silicone or even ordinary plastic wrap). This is one of those few times when you can indeed change the flavour as many times as you want, and not spoil a wonderful meal.

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3 Responses to “What flavour are you?”

  1. Gordon Swaby Says:

    Tastes and smells fine to me.

  2. Claire Says:

    i know this is an old post but my goodness it just rocked me solid.

    • longbench Says:

      Claire = thanks for stopping by! I’d forgotten that I had written this post; at the same time, it reminds me that some things cannot be repeated often enough.


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